The Adventures of Lil' Willis

-->

If you are like me, you probably ask yourself on a daily basis, "what ever happened to that little person that was in Def Leppard?  What was his name…something Willis?" 

Continuing that thought, "He should totally hook up with Paul DiAnno!  I'm sure they have a day or two to spare, right?" Given that 3 Doors Down was able to write their mind blowing hit "Kryptonite" in 20 or so minutes (I was literally floored when I found out that the lyrics were not only written in record time, they were also penned by a 15 year old), surely a couple of days could yield some hits 48x better (assuming an 8 hour "work" day).

Well, we need ask ourselves no more.  As it happens, they got together and cranked out some true sonic gems, and in the process added some glittery goodness with none other than Iron Maiden's future prancing pixie guitar player,Janick Gers.  Much like what 3 Doors Down was able to do with "Kryptonite", Lil’ Willis, Prancer, and Di’Anno along with two other dudes produced three timeless classics that answered once and for all our incessant self contemplation.

They tackled some hard hitting issues, that until I heard this EP, had never thought of, much less was able to make sense of.  Issues like: "if I got stuck in a fucking time warp, what would it be like?"  Of course, thanks to Di’Anno I now know that time warps are in fact, boring. 

“Living in a fucking time warp
I'm living in a fucking time warp

Boring, it's so boring
Boring, it's so boring”

In LA, there is actually a very well known “time warp” where for only $10 anyone can travel back to '86 any night of the week called “the Rainbow.”  Here you can be sure that your Rainbow Warp experience will be complete with sightings of at least one Appice brother, numerous non-ironic-guys-with-a-mullet-and-a-fanny-pack, and probably Tom Morello.  Speaking of Rainbow Tom, I'm pretty sure that in '86 he still had hair, so presumably Rainbow Tom should look like this

(when I last ran into Rainbow Tom outside the Warp bathroom, he did not have any hair…presumably this is just a minor Warp glitch).  That said I’m not sure what time warp Di’Anno is referencing, because my experiences in the Rainbow Time Warp have been nothing short of amazing.  Di’Anno then goes on to say…

“Cooking in a heat wave, freezing in the ice
there's nothing new for me, my jaded appetite is tired, tired”

My best guess is that Di’Anno is referencing the limited cuisine available in his homeland of “Ye Olde America:”

Which has been eaten since the middle ages by the non-LARPA versions of these guys:

“Really!!??  Sheep heart-liver-lungs stuffed in animal stomach again!!!  SOOOOO fucking BORING.  Its like I’m living in a fucking time warp!!” said Di’Anno.  And then “Living in a Fucking Time Warp” was born…

Not content to put out just a single, Di’Anno trudged on with his guild of fantasy creatures drawing inspiration from some socio-political issues that cried for the added awareness that only guitar solos can impart (I can only assume that Lil’ Willis provided the actual solos while Prancer acted them out through interpretive dance in the control room).  This song was to become “Its Illegal, Its Immoral.”

“Don't put that weed in your mouth, boy
Take that sweet young thing off your lap”

First up for our consideration: putting weed in your mouth and lap dances.  Here in America, weed is most commonly consumed by smoking from what I have read, though it seems Di’Anno’s preferred method of consumption is more akin to chewing tobacco.  Given that the only legal sustenance available in Ye Olde America is animal entrails, I can understand why he would go to any length to get that taste out of his mouth…even going so far as to ruin some perfectly good weed by sucking on it like a breath mint.  Di’Anno goes on to echo the establishment’s argument that while he does in fact like them, these two things are not only illegal, but that they are immoral and unhealthy.  If Di’Anno’s goal here to have me call these common views of the establishment into question, then question I will!  Okay…to be perfectly honest, he had me at smoking eating weed and lap dances…shear awesomeness will always trump issues of legality, morality, and health in my book.  That said, I find myself questioning Di’Anno and his Fantasy Creature Crew (primarily Lil’ Willis) more than balking at “the Man.”  Having partaken in read about both activities (and yes, at the same time…REALLY awesome btw), I question whether or not partaking in any amount of either would result in looking like this:

All I’m saying is that Lil’ Willis may be detracting from the intended irony of the song’s message.  To be fair, it is equally possible that Lil’ Willis missed the second verse and had not been warned to avoid putting his foot down too far…or for that matter not to mess where he wanted not to mess.

“Don't put your foot down too far now
And don't mess where you want not to mess
Either your health or society's protector
Is going to catch up with you one day, boy”

Which in his case presumably went something like this:

(That’s gonna leave a mark…)

I’d also question how many people have actually received a “long term prison rap” for smoking eating weed and receiving lap dances. 

“If you survive this antisocial behaviour
you're going to have to face a long-term prison rap”

Maybe things are different in the Land of Entrails, but here in the good ole’ US of A lap dances are a God given right (I think they are directly mentioned in our Constitution’s 2^nd Amendment somewhere after that part about militias and before the Right to Bare Acrylic Shoes and Pedal Exorbitantly Overpriced Drinks).  USA! USA!

Then there’s the final song of this epic EP.  This last creation might be considered something that should be illegal and is definitely immoral and unhealthy (or just really awesome depending on your point of view)…

Okay, this is not the third song of the Gogmagog EP (“I Will Be There” was the actual track…a cover of the old Russ Ballard “hit”), though in a perfect world it would have been.  From the first time I put on Iron Maiden’s eponymous debut and heard Di’Anno, I knew he was destined for something more…something much more, well, funky.  There is no denying that the funk is rather strong with Di’Anno, and much like “Kryptonite,” I could listen to this track all day long. If only there was a means to warp back through time that wasn’t so boring, then maybe this EP could be warped into greatness.  Alas, until warps become a more entertaining means of time travel, I’m afraid this is all we will ever hear from the mighty Gogmagog.